Real Talk and Reflection

We are legitimately the happiest people I know.

Until we aren't. 

A couple of weeks ago we shared why we are Married Twice and Living Life, but beyond helping and hoping to inspire others, we have learned the importance of being intentional about our marriage. 

For us, intentionality includes putting dates on our calendar (sometimes months in advance) and exploring new places. Yes, we get the benefit of what looks like a carefree, adventurous and fun-filled marriage, but there is actually deeper work that is happening with each hike we take and each date we go on.

Through these efforts, we are actually making and carrying out a meaningful plan that allows us time alone together to gain shared experiences and to invest in growing and strengthening our relationship. Our hikes, especially, allow us the time alone to laugh, explore and just talk. Sometimes we have lighthearted, fun conversations and sometimes we tackle much harder subjects, but we always come away knowing each other a little more and shoring up our marriage just a bit tighter. 

This week's "work" took place on a new trail for us. 

Our visit to Cedar Ridge Preserve was one of the most soul quenching, heart-filling hikes we have been on yet. The wild beauty, amazing people, and challenging trails we encountered met almost all of the "perfect outing" requirements J and I have.

Everything from the butterfly garden filled with beautiful flowers at the entrance...

to the overwhelming smell of honeysuckle that enveloped us throughout the entire hike...

to the funny lady who showed us where to find the best views (and was lying to her friend who has never hiked about how many miles they were going to put in that day)...

There was not a moment when we did not enjoy ourselves...even when navigating the toughest grades of the trails. 

And this outing did exactly what we intended for it to do: bound us a little tighter together....which is exactly what we were going to need for yesterday. 

For real.

So...sometimes our marriage looks like this:

It sure was nice to have these parts of the trail reinforced to make the long and winding decline easier to navigate (They were kind of killer to ascend, though). 

Yes, there are times that things are a challenge, but the path ahead is visible and we know how to work together as a team to navigate them. 

And then we have days where marriage looks a bit more like this: 

Dark, messy, and a lot of little things that seem to get in the way that trip us up. 

That was our day yesterday: kind of dark and a bit messy. 

My good husband has recently found himself in a situation where his work schedule has changed almost daily. This has begun to pose quite the problem as it seriously infringes upon the daily functioning of our home. 

Truth be told I handle it well some days and others..well...

Yesterday, quite frankly, I didn't handle it at all.

Of course, that's unless you call screaming and storming around the house handling it. 

It was pretty bad.

And really what I was reacting to wasn't just the umpteenth schedule change this month alone, but the way J approached me about it. 

My guy doesn't like to disappoint me, so sometimes he maybe just, ummm, tells me how it's going to be instead of taking a bit of a softer approach in hopes that we can just avoid all of the "feelings" involved. You know, the whole just rip the band-aid right off approach.  

And ummm, maybe yesterday I decided I was going to express ALL of the feelings I had about it anyway.

It wasn't pretty...like at all. 

But we hiked together Saturday, right? 

So what does that have to do with anything?

You see, we have spent the last several years changing our approach to marriage to be more proactive and intentional. Remember how I mentioned that our hikes together help "shore up" our marriage?

That bonding time actually better prepares us and makes it worth our while to try to recover well from days like yesterday. 

Fortunately, we have also spent the last couple of years on a journey for real freedom that has taught us how to reflect and dig deep to discover why we do the things we do and react the way we react.

Once I finally calmed down yesterday, I stepped away and just asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me why I respond that way to Jason when I "feel like" he is trying to control my responses. 

(And, I say that loosely because I am well aware my feelings aren't always accurate reflections of the truth but sometimes assumptions based on how I perceive a situation...That's deep, I know.)

As soon as I whispered that prayer, a memory came to mind of a time when someone tried to control my emotional response to a situation and I was completely powerless to do anything about it. Fear put me at their behest and I was forced to obey. 

So as a 40-year-old woman, that experience has turned into a belief that I can explode if I want to and he can't do anything about it (or actually I feel "safe" enough to do it because I know he won't physically hurt me). 

For his side of the story, J spent time reflecting on why he tries to "manage" my responses and confided it is because he's afraid I will respond the way I did. 

Bingo.

Oh my goodness...we've established a pattern and we can do something about it. 

Now that we both know and understand why we do what we do, we can better prepare for and approach the next set of circumstances that set us up for this kind of confrontation and hopefully end up with a completely different outcome. 

The time and effort we have put into building our marriage through our dates and adventures fill our tanks and give us what we need so when we hit days like yesterday, they don't completely destroy us and they don't take days and days to recover from. 

Instead, we find ourselves desperately desiring to find a place where we can come together again and make the efforts at self-reflection, resolution, and reconciliation completely worth it. 

"Dates got you to a place where you wanted to marry each other. If you want to stay married, then keep dating your spouse."

~ Andy Traub

Share with us, what is something you do to strengthen your marriage?