“A woman's words are as strong as a man's fists. You can speak and build him up or you can speak and break him in half.” -John Gray
In about 2 months, we celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary. Amazing, right? If you know our story at all then you know there was a bit of a gap that occurred right around year three and we never made it to year four due to divorce. Instead, we started all over again the next year and now celebrate two anniversaries each year; wedding day ONE AND wedding day TWO. And while I would NEVER change one bit of our story because what we have gotten out of this process is so much greater than the pain we both endured, I will gladly say that there are some things I wish I could have said to that seventeen-year-old girl in the picture.
Today’s post will not tell you the full story, but what it will do is tell a little bit about my side and the role I played in the destruction of my own marriage.
Nope, I refuse to be a victim here.
There was a moment just before the day we split that I had to come face to face with the ugly truth of my part in the dissolution of our marriage. Desperately feeling the pain of a failing marriage, I walked the aisle at church one Sunday night and stood before a gentle and wise man who agreed to pray with me.
After a few moments of sharing all the ways I had been wronged and relaying to him how horribly I had been treated, he laid one kind hand on my shoulder and gave me the most bittersweet truth to chew on:
“Kara, God is the sun and Jason is the earth and you keep trying to move in between the two of them. You are so busy trying to be God to him that he can no longer hear you or God. Relationships are a two-way street. Oftentimes we see that in situations like this there is a part both people have played in the destruction of the relationship. What has been your role?”
Honestly, I cannot remember much past that moment. I’m sure he prayed for me and I am positive there were more words exchanged, but that moment in time has stayed with me for the past 18 years.
Unfortunately, we were too far gone and I was too wrapped up in pain to understand the scope of what he had said in time to do anything about it. Within the month we were separated and within the next, we were well on the way to divorce.
As the process began and we started to do life separately, God carried me through all of the stages of grief. Throughout that time, He kept taking me back to that night and the words of that minister. Although a bit slow and tedious, the unpacking of what they meant and the hard truth of what role I played in driving my husband away took place. Young, struggling financially, parenting a toddler, and scared of what life had in store, I had turned to the only stability I knew, my religion. At that point in my life, that is what in fact it was for me, just a bunch of rules that I was sure would bring peace and happiness if I followed them. There was no full understanding of what real faith was but I was relentlessly putting all of the rules to work thinking life, and my husband would be better if we just obeyed them all.
What I got in return was a broken marriage.
As I was grieving the loss of our relationship, God began to do some incredible work in my heart. He often brought the words of Dr. Hayford back to mind and would then bring to memory some argument that Jason and I had. The revelation that I spent the better part of our short marriage, trying desperately to change him and make him into something and somebody else dawned on me.
Between all of the efforts at changing him and the gift of verbosity I displayed when things got ugly, I learned to fight very unfairly and slowly began to tear my husband apart conversation by conversation. To my surprise, I did the exact opposite of what I had intended to do. Instead of driving him closer to God, I pushed him further away from both of us. Over the next year, the Holy Spirit took me on a journey of discovering and accepting my part in our struggle. He revealed to me that my words had done more damage than I realized, but he also showed me what I could and should have done differently. And eventually, in his goodness and timing, we were given the miracle of a second chance at marriage and I was given the opportunity to speak life into my husband.
This change didn’t happen overnight. Of course, we had a wonderful honeymoon period when we were first remarried, but old habits are hard to break and real healing takes time. It took about five more years for me to really get the importance of watching the way I spoke to him, and another 5 for me to decide to stop verbally berating him altogether. Once I started paying attention, I could see when this happy-go-lucky, strong, fearless man would go stone silent at the careless and hurtful words I used to make my point. Even worse, I felt the wedge it drove between us each and every time.
Thankfully, the faithful whispers of the Holy Spirit helped me understand that verbally spearing someone in the midst of an argument is just not love, and begged the question why on earth would I want to do that to the person I adored the most?
Today, I can confidently say that we are far past those days. By His grace, we now have the tools and resources to have real discussions without going for the jugular to prove a point. Better yet, I get to say that I have a better husband than I could have ever hoped or prayed for.
So, here we are, almost 20 years later, hard lessons learned, with lots of love to give and a desire to share our story to bring hope to those who need it most. If you find yourself in the place I was so many years ago, please stop and ask, “What are the effects my words are having on the man I love? Are they giving life or bringing death?”
In about 2 months, we celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary. Amazing, right? If you know our story at all then you know there was a bit of a gap that occurred right around year three and we never made it to year four due to divorce. Instead, we started all over again the next year and now celebrate two anniversaries each year; wedding day ONE AND wedding day TWO. And while I would NEVER change one bit of our story because what we have gotten out of this process is so much greater than the pain we both endured, I will gladly say that there are some things I wish I could have said to that seventeen-year-old girl in the picture.
Today’s post will not tell you the full story, but what it will do is tell a little bit about my side and the role I played in the destruction of my own marriage.
Nope, I refuse to be a victim here.
There was a moment just before the day we split that I had to come face to face with the ugly truth of my part in the dissolution of our marriage. Desperately feeling the pain of a failing marriage, I walked the aisle at church one Sunday night and stood before a gentle and wise man who agreed to pray with me.
After a few moments of sharing all the ways I had been wronged and relaying to him how horribly I had been treated, he laid one kind hand on my shoulder and gave me the most bittersweet truth to chew on:
“Kara, God is the sun and Jason is the earth and you keep trying to move in between the two of them. You are so busy trying to be God to him that he can no longer hear you or God. Relationships are a two-way street. Oftentimes we see that in situations like this there is a part both people have played in the destruction of the relationship. What has been your role?”
Honestly, I cannot remember much past that moment. I’m sure he prayed for me and I am positive there were more words exchanged, but that moment in time has stayed with me for the past 18 years.
Unfortunately, we were too far gone and I was too wrapped up in pain to understand the scope of what he had said in time to do anything about it. Within the month we were separated and within the next, we were well on the way to divorce.
As the process began and we started to do life separately, God carried me through all of the stages of grief. Throughout that time, He kept taking me back to that night and the words of that minister. Although a bit slow and tedious, the unpacking of what they meant and the hard truth of what role I played in driving my husband away took place. Young, struggling financially, parenting a toddler, and scared of what life had in store, I had turned to the only stability I knew, my religion. At that point in my life, that is what in fact it was for me, just a bunch of rules that I was sure would bring peace and happiness if I followed them. There was no full understanding of what real faith was but I was relentlessly putting all of the rules to work thinking life, and my husband would be better if we just obeyed them all.
What I got in return was a broken marriage.
As I was grieving the loss of our relationship, God began to do some incredible work in my heart. He often brought the words of Dr. Hayford back to mind and would then bring to memory some argument that Jason and I had. The revelation that I spent the better part of our short marriage, trying desperately to change him and make him into something and somebody else dawned on me.
Between all of the efforts at changing him and the gift of verbosity I displayed when things got ugly, I learned to fight very unfairly and slowly began to tear my husband apart conversation by conversation. To my surprise, I did the exact opposite of what I had intended to do. Instead of driving him closer to God, I pushed him further away from both of us. Over the next year, the Holy Spirit took me on a journey of discovering and accepting my part in our struggle. He revealed to me that my words had done more damage than I realized, but he also showed me what I could and should have done differently. And eventually, in his goodness and timing, we were given the miracle of a second chance at marriage and I was given the opportunity to speak life into my husband.
This change didn’t happen overnight. Of course, we had a wonderful honeymoon period when we were first remarried, but old habits are hard to break and real healing takes time. It took about five more years for me to really get the importance of watching the way I spoke to him, and another 5 for me to decide to stop verbally berating him altogether. Once I started paying attention, I could see when this happy-go-lucky, strong, fearless man would go stone silent at the careless and hurtful words I used to make my point. Even worse, I felt the wedge it drove between us each and every time.
Thankfully, the faithful whispers of the Holy Spirit helped me understand that verbally spearing someone in the midst of an argument is just not love, and begged the question why on earth would I want to do that to the person I adored the most?
Today, I can confidently say that we are far past those days. By His grace, we now have the tools and resources to have real discussions without going for the jugular to prove a point. Better yet, I get to say that I have a better husband than I could have ever hoped or prayed for.
So, here we are, almost 20 years later, hard lessons learned, with lots of love to give and a desire to share our story to bring hope to those who need it most. If you find yourself in the place I was so many years ago, please stop and ask, “What are the effects my words are having on the man I love? Are they giving life or bringing death?”
"The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences." Proverbs 18:21 NLT
My hope for you is that you choose to speak life.
No comments:
Post a Comment