Real Life: Real Talk

Last Saturday we went on an incredible hike, but I'm struggling to write this week.

Why? 

Who in the world knows.

My guys are sitting outside the window right now listening to something that sounds like either Stone Temple Pilots, Pearl Jam or I don't know...I never get it right and they're definitely going to laugh at my feeble attempts at guessing. 

Oh, no, I got it!!! 

It's Nirvana. My dignity just may be saved. 

I think I'm wrong. I'm probably wrong. 

They are doing the boy thing; cigars, music, coffee and talking about life.

And I'm just well beyond proud of them and thoroughly enjoying listening to them through the window right now. 

Anyhow, it's BEEN A WEEK...or two...or three, to be honest with you. 

Just kind of this funky place of frustration and struggle.

I started a piece for this week's blog about our hike and the amazing things God showed us on the trails like three different times.

And I erased it each time once I got about half-way through. 

What is that all about???

So, instead of writing about it, I'm just going to give you the link to the video we did that day so you can at least get a glimpse. (Click HERE to listen to everything I would have just rewritten anyway).

Today's analysis of all things overthinking led me to this semi-understanding of my current state of mind:

I tend to see the world as a giant jigsaw puzzle and because of this, I make connections between spiritual concepts and real-life experiences pretty quickly. Some days it leads to amazing clarity (like Saturday's hike) and others, well...

You know what it's like when you try to force puzzle pieces together that don't fit? 

Or when you think you have the whole puzzle figured out and you can't find that one last piece?

Or, when you start to work on the puzzle and realize some wrong pieces were mixed in?

Yep...all of those. It's felt a bit like that lately.

But God...He did his thing, you know?

He reminded me how very loved and valued we are by gifting us a great night out with friends last week who kept telling us how loved and valued we are. 

They're just good people and we are lucky to have them. 

He sent an email from a complete stranger who shared with me that what I'm doing matters and my willingness to be used by God to speak to others made a difference in their life.

That was pretty cool and kind of life-affirming and something I really needed. 

He gave me a couple of hours with my "spiritual twin" who speaks with boldness and conviction and who happens to always be in a parallel place with me. 

It's kind of weird and amazing all at the same time and she's sort of great. 

And, he gave me time with my guys all in one place and under one roof this week.  

We've laughed way more than seems natural, which is its own kind of healing. 

So, tonight I came to a pretty legit conclusion:

My life is good. 

I have good people. We love each other well. We have everything we need...give or take a few things. 

Eh.

Our home isn't perfect, but it is full of laughter and peace. 

And anyway, isn't' that what this whole life and adventure thing are all about? 

Every day doesn't end wrapped up neat and tidy with a bow. 

Some days are just hard or tricky or confusing or feel a bit like trudging through the mud. 

Other days just kind of ebb and flow and feel a little humdrum like we're swinging back and forth waiting for the next thing to come along.

But the truth is we aren't. 

We are just on that part of the trail that kind of feels like work and more work and a bit of repetitiveness but, knowing what I know about the Master Engineer I'm sure we are going to end up somewhere pretty special sooner than later. 

He's a really good guy (kind of an understatement I know) and has never left us stuck out on the trails. I'm sure there is a spectacular view somewhere ahead and all of the work and struggle and wait will pay off. 

In the interim, I'll enjoy the time I spend day in and day out with my boys, my family, my friends and my God and pray that He continues to give the hubs the patience to hang with me on the rough days, but that's another gift I've been given...I'm not really worried the hubs will run out of patience with me, like ever. 

See, I told you it's all good over here. 

So, here's what I've got for you: Hang tight. Keep moving forward. Trust that you will end up where you are supposed to be and enjoy who you've been given to walk through life with. 

Let's Hear It For the Boys!

Okay, I'm a fan. I mean, they're like really, really, really great. 

I may have let out a huge sigh of relief that first time I heard my doctor say "It's a boy!" 

And while I prayed, hoped, and believed fervently I would have a little princess the second time around, I can't describe the excitement I felt when I heard "It's a boy!"...again.

We have the same nose, right? I mean #twinning!

Let's be real honest here, I wasn't exactly trained for this (I was raised in a mostly girl home and my poor dad was way outnumbered), but I kind of feel like I was wired for it.  

And if you go back and find evidence of me trying to put a ponytail in my niece's hair, you will see what I mean (thank goodness there is none in existence...I think). 

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't exactly a tomboy. I was sweet and feminine, but not exactly super girly either. My room was never flooded with pink, to this day I absolutely cannot stand a feather boa and you can forget about anything with glitter. 

Like ever. 

So all this to say, while I never hoped or prayed to be the only queen in a house full of kings, it happened that way and I'm super happy about it. 

So, here's where I'm going to get really real with you and tell you what I've learned from being the only double x chromosome around these parts:

1. First and foremost, I was MADE for this. 

Yes, I was a little caught off guard the first time I changed a diaper and pee landed in my right ear. Okay, I was REALLY caught off guard. 

Who knew that was possible? 

But there was a learning curve and I picked up on all the tricks real quick.

It didn't take long for me to have an endless supply of Hot Wheels and Cheerios in all of my purses and thoroughly enjoy screaming at the top of my lungs at all of the football games and eventually make our annual trips to catch all of the Marvel, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings movies. 

I can tune out random belches like a pro as though they were supposed to be part of the conversation, totally not notice when someone is scratching or adjusting themselves, and most of the inappropriate banter doesn't even phase me anymore. 

Most.

2. It is totally possible to raise young men who understand what REAL equality is. 

My boys are being raised by me (this is not just J's influence) to be confident and comfortable in their own masculinity as reflections of the nature of the Almighty God who created them. 

And just as we emphasize that who they are created to be in the image of God is exactly who they need to be, they understand that I, as a woman, am also made in the image of God; that both women and men are on an equal playing field, and that both genders bring gifts and abilities to the table the other does not possess. 

One of the best gifts my husband has given me in this home is the role of a true partner. I say this is a gift because I am acutely aware that there are many relationships that do not function in this light. And as such, we have spent almost twenty years modeling to our sons what it looks like when both sexes are able to acknowledge where the strengths of one compensate for the weaknesses of the other and vice versa. 

I am not put out one bit by the fact that J is physically stronger than me and he has no problem deferring to my natural intuition when it comes to decision making or handling certain situations. 

3) The final and most important lesson I have learned is what a momma bear I can be when it comes to my sons. 

In this current social climate, we are increasingly watching masculinity become more and more vilified. Young men are constantly corrected and told they are sexist for opening doors for women, shouted down for "mansplaining" and insulted for having an inherently masculine worldview.

But what if I told you my oldest opens doors for everyone? (Not just you sweetheart.) Or how about the fact that when you interrupt and talk over your girlfriends that is the female version of mansplaining? Or how about the fact that, of course, they have an inherently masculine worldview...they are male. You have an inherently female worldview...you are female. 

And please do not get me started by the constant "men are all a bunch of bumbling buffoons" messages the media throws at us on a regular basis. 

Regardless of what popular society wants to tell my boys about who they are, I am here to make sure they know the truth. I am not here to fix them or train them to fit a mold the world thinks they should fit. My job is to point them to Jesus and let him do the rest. 

You see, J and I firmly believe we are planted by God into the families we are exactly supposed to be in. God has given us the opportunity to build a marriage that models real partnership and we are running with it. J is not here to rescue me and I wasn't placed here to cook all of the meals and clean the house. Quite honestly, I do all of the cooking because I am better at it and he does all of the laundry because he's a bit OCD. And instead of assigning tasks and roles in our home based on our genders, we chose them based on our gifts and talents...and if we are really honest, some of our gifts and talents are actually inherent to that x or y chromosome (it's biology, not bigotry). 

After about 20 years of living this way, I've come to really appreciate the amazing gifts my men bring to this world. The experience of being the only girl in my home has given me the opportunity to study the hows and whys of my boys and while there are some things I may never understand, I am in awe of everything that makes them, well them. 

And the beautiful thing about it is that the more I have shown respect for them in their masculinity, the more they have learned to respect me in my femininity. 

But mostly, I'm grateful for a husband who has helped create an environment that honors me as a woman so that I can raise young men who know how to earn the right to be respected and honored as men. 

A Word to the Wives

“A woman's words are as strong as a man's fists. You can speak and build him up or you can speak and break him in half.” -John Gray

In about 2 months, we celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary. Amazing, right? If you know our story at all then you know there was a bit of a gap that occurred right around year three and we never made it to year four due to divorce. Instead, we started all over again the next year and now celebrate two anniversaries each year; wedding day ONE AND wedding day TWO. And while I would NEVER change one bit of our story because what we have gotten out of this process is so much greater than the pain we both endured, I will gladly say that there are some things I wish I could have said to that seventeen-year-old girl in the picture.

Today’s post will not tell you the full story, but what it will do is tell a little bit about my side and the role I played in the destruction of my own marriage.

Nope, I refuse to be a victim here.

There was a moment just before the day we split that I had to come face to face with the ugly truth of my part in the dissolution of our marriage. Desperately feeling the pain of a failing marriage, I walked the aisle at church one Sunday night and stood before a gentle and wise man who agreed to pray with me.

After a few moments of sharing all the ways I had been wronged and relaying to him how horribly I had been treated, he laid one kind hand on my shoulder and gave me the most bittersweet truth to chew on:

“Kara, God is the sun and Jason is the earth and you keep trying to move in between the two of them. You are so busy trying to be God to him that he can no longer hear you or God. Relationships are a two-way street.  Oftentimes we see that in situations like this there is a part both people have played in the destruction of the relationship. What has been your role?”

Honestly, I cannot remember much past that moment. I’m sure he prayed for me and I am positive there were more words exchanged, but that moment in time has stayed with me for the past 18 years.  

Unfortunately, we were too far gone and I was too wrapped up in pain to understand the scope of what he had said in time to do anything about it. Within the month we were separated and within the next, we were well on the way to divorce.  

As the process began and we started to do life separately, God carried me through all of the stages of grief. Throughout that time, He kept taking me back to that night and the words of that minister. Although a bit slow and tedious, the unpacking of what they meant and the hard truth of what role I played in driving my husband away took place. Young, struggling financially, parenting a toddler, and scared of what life had in store, I had turned to the only stability I knew, my religion.  At that point in my life, that is what in fact it was for me, just a bunch of rules that I was sure would bring peace and happiness if I followed them. There was no full understanding of what real faith was but I was relentlessly putting all of the rules to work thinking life, and my husband would be better if we just obeyed them all.

What I got in return was a broken marriage.  

As I was grieving the loss of our relationship, God began to do some incredible work in my heart. He often brought the words of Dr. Hayford back to mind and would then bring to memory some argument that Jason and I had. The revelation that I spent the better part of our short marriage, trying desperately to change him and make him into something and somebody else dawned on me.

Between all of the efforts at changing him and the gift of verbosity I displayed when things got ugly, I learned to fight very unfairly and slowly began to tear my husband apart conversation by conversation. To my surprise, I did the exact opposite of what I had intended to do. Instead of driving him closer to God, I pushed him further away from both of us. Over the next year, the Holy Spirit took me on a journey of discovering and accepting my part in our struggle. He revealed to me that my words had done more damage than I realized, but he also showed me what I could and should have done differently. And eventually, in his goodness and timing, we were given the miracle of a second chance at marriage and I was given the opportunity to speak life into my husband.  

This change didn’t happen overnight. Of course, we had a wonderful honeymoon period when we were first remarried, but old habits are hard to break and real healing takes time. It took about five more years for me to really get the importance of watching the way I spoke to him, and another 5 for me to decide to stop verbally berating him altogether. Once I started paying attention, I could see when this happy-go-lucky, strong, fearless man would go stone silent at the careless and hurtful words I used to make my point. Even worse, I felt the wedge it drove between us each and every time.

Thankfully, the faithful whispers of the Holy Spirit helped me understand that verbally spearing someone in the midst of an argument is just not love, and begged the question why on earth would I want to do that to the person I adored the most?

Today, I can confidently say that we are far past those days. By His grace, we now have the tools and resources to have real discussions without going for the jugular to prove a point. Better yet, I get to say that I have a better husband than I could have ever hoped or prayed for.

So, here we are, almost 20 years later, hard lessons learned, with lots of love to give and a desire to share our story to bring hope to those who need it most. If you find yourself in the place I was so many years ago, please stop and ask, “What are the effects my words are having on the man I love? Are they giving life or bringing death?”

"The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences." Proverbs 18:21 NLT

My hope for you is that you choose to speak life.

Real Talk and Reflection

We are legitimately the happiest people I know.

Until we aren't. 

A couple of weeks ago we shared why we are Married Twice and Living Life, but beyond helping and hoping to inspire others, we have learned the importance of being intentional about our marriage. 

For us, intentionality includes putting dates on our calendar (sometimes months in advance) and exploring new places. Yes, we get the benefit of what looks like a carefree, adventurous and fun-filled marriage, but there is actually deeper work that is happening with each hike we take and each date we go on.

Through these efforts, we are actually making and carrying out a meaningful plan that allows us time alone together to gain shared experiences and to invest in growing and strengthening our relationship. Our hikes, especially, allow us the time alone to laugh, explore and just talk. Sometimes we have lighthearted, fun conversations and sometimes we tackle much harder subjects, but we always come away knowing each other a little more and shoring up our marriage just a bit tighter. 

This week's "work" took place on a new trail for us. 

Our visit to Cedar Ridge Preserve was one of the most soul quenching, heart-filling hikes we have been on yet. The wild beauty, amazing people, and challenging trails we encountered met almost all of the "perfect outing" requirements J and I have.

Everything from the butterfly garden filled with beautiful flowers at the entrance...

to the overwhelming smell of honeysuckle that enveloped us throughout the entire hike...

to the funny lady who showed us where to find the best views (and was lying to her friend who has never hiked about how many miles they were going to put in that day)...

There was not a moment when we did not enjoy ourselves...even when navigating the toughest grades of the trails. 

And this outing did exactly what we intended for it to do: bound us a little tighter together....which is exactly what we were going to need for yesterday. 

For real.

So...sometimes our marriage looks like this:

It sure was nice to have these parts of the trail reinforced to make the long and winding decline easier to navigate (They were kind of killer to ascend, though). 

Yes, there are times that things are a challenge, but the path ahead is visible and we know how to work together as a team to navigate them. 

And then we have days where marriage looks a bit more like this: 

Dark, messy, and a lot of little things that seem to get in the way that trip us up. 

That was our day yesterday: kind of dark and a bit messy. 

My good husband has recently found himself in a situation where his work schedule has changed almost daily. This has begun to pose quite the problem as it seriously infringes upon the daily functioning of our home. 

Truth be told I handle it well some days and others..well...

Yesterday, quite frankly, I didn't handle it at all.

Of course, that's unless you call screaming and storming around the house handling it. 

It was pretty bad.

And really what I was reacting to wasn't just the umpteenth schedule change this month alone, but the way J approached me about it. 

My guy doesn't like to disappoint me, so sometimes he maybe just, ummm, tells me how it's going to be instead of taking a bit of a softer approach in hopes that we can just avoid all of the "feelings" involved. You know, the whole just rip the band-aid right off approach.  

And ummm, maybe yesterday I decided I was going to express ALL of the feelings I had about it anyway.

It wasn't pretty...like at all. 

But we hiked together Saturday, right? 

So what does that have to do with anything?

You see, we have spent the last several years changing our approach to marriage to be more proactive and intentional. Remember how I mentioned that our hikes together help "shore up" our marriage?

That bonding time actually better prepares us and makes it worth our while to try to recover well from days like yesterday. 

Fortunately, we have also spent the last couple of years on a journey for real freedom that has taught us how to reflect and dig deep to discover why we do the things we do and react the way we react.

Once I finally calmed down yesterday, I stepped away and just asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me why I respond that way to Jason when I "feel like" he is trying to control my responses. 

(And, I say that loosely because I am well aware my feelings aren't always accurate reflections of the truth but sometimes assumptions based on how I perceive a situation...That's deep, I know.)

As soon as I whispered that prayer, a memory came to mind of a time when someone tried to control my emotional response to a situation and I was completely powerless to do anything about it. Fear put me at their behest and I was forced to obey. 

So as a 40-year-old woman, that experience has turned into a belief that I can explode if I want to and he can't do anything about it (or actually I feel "safe" enough to do it because I know he won't physically hurt me). 

For his side of the story, J spent time reflecting on why he tries to "manage" my responses and confided it is because he's afraid I will respond the way I did. 

Bingo.

Oh my goodness...we've established a pattern and we can do something about it. 

Now that we both know and understand why we do what we do, we can better prepare for and approach the next set of circumstances that set us up for this kind of confrontation and hopefully end up with a completely different outcome. 

The time and effort we have put into building our marriage through our dates and adventures fill our tanks and give us what we need so when we hit days like yesterday, they don't completely destroy us and they don't take days and days to recover from. 

Instead, we find ourselves desperately desiring to find a place where we can come together again and make the efforts at self-reflection, resolution, and reconciliation completely worth it. 

"Dates got you to a place where you wanted to marry each other. If you want to stay married, then keep dating your spouse."

~ Andy Traub

Share with us, what is something you do to strengthen your marriage?