Isn't That the Way it Should Be? How to Have Your Partner's Back and Build Trust in Your Marriage

I'm a fierce protector of this man right here. 

In word and spirit anyway.

He's the one who is always on guard and ready to jump in front of a moving train or run into a burning building for the rest of us, but I always have his back. 

Even when there are times I'm not 100 percent sure of what I am protecting. 

Honestly, isn't that the way it should be?

I feel like there are countless people out there who would say yes with their lips, but their actions would betray them. 

It's easy to sing your love's praises when you are happy and everything is all roses, but what does it look like when things aren't at their best?

J and I have a few standard rules we have adopted over the years that just make all the difference in the world and keep us in a place of complete trust with each other.

1. We keep our circle tight. 

We have bad days like anyone else. Days we just don't jive or agree on topics and all-out ugly fights sometimes. When those days come, and occasionally they do, we have a very short list of who we go to for advice or even to just "vent" (and I use that term super loosely). "Our people" aren't people who will commiserate with us and they love us enough to redirect us if our time with them turns into a complaint session. They are those who hold the same values and beliefs as we do so that we know any advice they offer will line up with who we really are and not how they view the world. For both of us, the rule is God first, and trusted friends next.

Oh, and by the way, those friends are never the opposite sex. Some call it prudish, we call it smart. And there are no exceptions.
Ever.

2. We guard our tongues. 

Having each other's backs has a whole lot to do with wielding our words very carefully. Whether it is to each other during intense discussion or even to our close friends in a time of need, we are very intentional about the words we choose. And those times we choose to let our emotions get the best of us and allow words that pierce escape, we are quick to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

We live in a world that is so blindingly unaware of the power of words. The Bible goes as far as saying that the power of life and death are in the tongue and even warns that those who love it will eat the fruit it produces. 

We can throw all kinds of old adages out there like you reap what you sow and a sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me and any other quip you can think of, but the truth is that words are the most powerful weapons we have been given to wield and if not used correctly, and with the right intention, they can do irreparable damage. 

What this looks like for us can range from being mindful of the words we use when in the midst of a heated discussion, when we are in need advice from a friend about our marriage, and even down to the way we talk about each other in groups. 

3.  We never put each other down, especially in group settings. 

This qualifier "especially in group settings" matters! J and I love gathering with our friends! We look forward to our bi-monthly life group meetings, going to dinner with our people and gathering with our family. 

In those settings, you can absolutely bet that my jokester of a husband is going to loosen up and make some comments. Many of them are at my expense and border on the line of inappropriate at times, but they never insult. 

There will always be light-hearted teasing, but under no conditions do we ever open up an opportunity to make the other look bad in front of others. If anything, we actually do the opposite and seek opportunities

 to highlight the things we adore about each other to our friends.

4. We make each other first and let the whole world know it!

He is always my first priority. Yes, even before our kids. It is routine for me to say the phrase "let me check with Jason first" when it comes to making decisions around here. 

And, he does the same for me. 

We are each other's advisors, best friends, confidants, and fiercest protectors. 

Don't get us wrong, we love, love, love all the people God has entrusted us with. But, we also know that we made an oath that we would see this life all the way to the end with each other and we attack every single day of our lives with that promise at the forefront.

We may have gotten it wrong the first time around, but we are seeing it through this time. 

Here's the thing, we learned a lot from our marriage, divorce, remarriage situation: a strong marriage is a choice. It doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't happen without sacrifice and intention. 

If you have some concept of what your ideal marriage looks like, yet you are far away from it, maybe it's time to do some serious introspection. 

Take your eyes off of all of the things you feel your partner is doing wrong and take a long look in the mirror.

Can you honestly say that you are doing all that you can to help build trust in your marriage? Can your partner say that you have their back? 

If there is an area where you see that you can make some changes, swallow your pride and just do it. Take some time, talk with your spouse and lay some ground rules for what will work for you. 

And then go celebrate. 

That's Not the Whole Story.

It's a fan favorite. 

Want to start a business? "I can do all things..."

Want to run a marathon? "I can do all things..."

Want to win American Idol? 
"I can do all things..."

You name almost any lofty goal and Christians come out of the woodwork with this as their "life verse." 

It is admirable. 

Don't get me wrong. But, there is so much more to this than the name it and claim it mentality that often accompanies the usage of these words. 

I am to the point that I hear a little, "Wah, wahhhh..." ringing in my ears when I come across this verse in my social media feeds. 

It makes my head spin and my heart hurt to see these words thrown around the way they are because I know that I know there is so much more to be gained if we were to truly understand what this verse is offering to us as believers. 

Sadly this common usage gives a wrong perspective of what Paul was trying to teach the believers he was addressing and how Jesus really works on our behalf.

But honestly, I was guilty of doing this very same thing not that long ago. 

So, BIG siiiiigggghhhhhh...

 On the other side of my own Philippians 4 experience, I often wonder how many of those who tout 4:13 as their life verse have actually read verses 11 and 12:

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need."

This is what Paul was really talking about. He certainly can do all things through Him (Christ) who gives him strength. 

Why? 

Because he lived it all. 

Not just victory. 

Not just getting the golden ticket or buzzer or achieving super duper triple gold level. 

And not just killing it in the business world. 

He truly learned how to be content in every situation he faced: in plenty and in want, in the best of times and the worst of times, through false accusations, imprisonment, loss and experiencing the miraculous.

Philippians 4:13 is a declaration of contentment rooted firmly in experiencing the heights and depths of life and knowing that Jesus sustained him through every single moment.

When examined in context, this verse takes on a whole new connotation that I am not so sure would be as wildly popular as it is when it is singled out. 

No one wants to go through part A to get to part B. 

No one really wants to live through the depths and lean on the strength of Jesus in order to get to the other side and say, "Oh, I really can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" 

Doing so would mean walking through the hard things and learning how to live in and with peace despite what you are facing. 

I know, it really is just so much more fun to set a huge goal and proclaim that, "I can do anything I want because Jesus gives me strength," cross our fingers and hope it all works out (even when our motives are sometimes less than pure).

The truth of the matter is that we have taken something so very rich in depth and meaning and pulled out the parts we really like to fit our own desires and in the process, have completely perverted it. 

We have cheapened the words Paul so eloquently shared with the church of Philippi as a reminder of who Jesus really is to us in times of need to a catchy slogan we use to try to get anything we want.

And the only way we can change it is to go back to the text, look at the whole picture, and remember that the strength of Jesus is so much greater than our own self-centered desires. 

The strength of Jesus can carry us through every situation life can possibly throw our way and THAT is the truth of "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." 

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I CAN do all things through Him who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:11-13)

When Money Isn't The Answer..and Never Really Has Been.

We never saw ourselves as money-obsessed; in our minds, that was something only "rich" people could be. Not us. Never us.

You can't be obsessed with something you don't have, right?

Truthfully, we have struggled financially for the majority of our adult lives, and truth be told we both came from homes that tended to struggle as well. So when a preacher would get up on stage and warn about serving the god of mammon, we just often disregarded what we were hearing, thinking he just had to be talking to all those people out there throwing their money away on designer handbags and luxury cars. 

Such an awesome attitude. Am I right? 

Despite our faulty reasoning and complete and total ignorance, money completely ruled our lives. Ummm, better yet, the lack of it totally ruled our lives. In fact, it was a constant topic and central theme of most of our arguments throughout at least 20 years of our marriage. 

We made almost every major, minor, and in between decision based on how much we did or did not have or what we did or did not expect to come our way. We found ourselves constantly chasing job changes, home changes and overall lifestyle changes based on how much money we were making and how much our bills cost. This led to us becoming grade-A experts in the art of moving and starting new jobs. We were in a never-ending cycle trying desperately to ease the burden and loosen the bondage that gripped our lives. 

And then two years ago we took a leap of faith based on potential income and that potential totally disappeared. For the first year, we found ourselves flying through the air and sometimes gliding dangerously close to the ground, waiting for money to fix our problem. 

But God. He had a different plan in mind. 

In the book of Acts, Peter and John are on their way to the temple when they pass by a paralytic man who daily was placed a the gate by family members so that he could beg for money. 

Because of his unfortunate circumstances, he was unable to work in the traditional sense, so this was his contribution as well as the solution to his problems. Each day, he waited for finances to come his way and in the process, got stuck in a routine of believing this was his decisive answer, his ultimate provision from God. It had become so route, so expected, that when Peter and John approached him that day, he anticipated the very same response from them. However, this pair wasn't ready to give what he was expecting, that thing he thought he needed. They were ready to offer him more. 

Can you imagine the disappointment that crept in when Peter said, "I want to give you something, but I do not have silver or gold"? That flash feeling of discouragement that swept over him when he heard those words. Another letdown on top of all of the challenges his already difficult life presented. Then the confusion that followed with Peter's next words: "Here is what I can offer you: stand up and walk in the name of Jesus of Nazareth."

Peter wanted him to do what? Didn't he know that he had to be carried there every day? Couldn't they see that walking was not an option for him? And, how did walking pay the bills anyway? He had never known any other kind of life. Could he even open his mind to what that would look like?

Peter reached out and grabbed the man's hand, nonetheless, and began to pull him to his feet and as he did, his ankles found strength and he was healed. 

HE WAS HEALED.

This story is such a beautiful picture of what we often face in life, of what Jason and I did face in life. We have a struggle or a difficulty of some sort and just come to accept it as is and find ourselves believing in a substitute as the final answer to our problems. While that substitute can easily be seen as a blessing, and no doubt is sometimes even a gift from the Almighty Himself, it often becomes our focus and we lose sight of what God really wants for us.

That has been our story for the whole of our married lives...up until the last year or so anyway. 

Money was always our answer, our solution to everything, just like it was for this paralyzed man. Unfortunately, as you and I both know, it is only a temporary fix until you need more and as such, it is never, ever enough. What we didn't realize when we took this divine leap, was that God did not have the same plan as we did. We had dreams of a thriving home business and/or new, successful careers for the both of us as the answer to our lifetime of struggle. What we have actually learned is that He never planned on giving us silver or gold...

His plan was healing. 

With healing, the beggar is able to now work for himself instead of being dependent upon others. With healing, he is able to participate and celebrate as his friends and family do. With healing, he is able to really live, just the way Jesus intended for him too.

Real healing is so much more than a temporary fix to our current problems. Real healing is a permanent fix to everything. It's part of that whole abundant life thing that Jesus so desperately wants to give us.

So when God didn't show up with silver or gold, or big raises, or new jobs, or cheaper bills, but offered instead to change our whole outlook on money and what, or better yet, Who our real provider his, He was offering healing. Instead, He taught us to trust that He would always show up in time and that we would never go without. He taught us to reframe the way we look at finances and ourselves. He reminded us not what, but Who our source is and in the process turned our world totally upside down. 

Like Peter, instead of just standing there using his words, he reached out with that great, big, capable hand and began to pull us to our feet. For awhile we stood there, holding onto his hand and feeling our feet and ankles begin to strengthen. It was, and often still is, the scariest and most freeing thing we have ever experienced. We are no longer laying on our mat waiting for provision to come, we've been given the gift of standing firm in the foundation of what God is offering us. And now we are being charged to run headlong into the future He has carved out for us.

Paul summed it up best when explaining it to the people who witnessed the miracle that day:

"So that's how this miracle happened: we have faith in the name of Jesus, and He is the power that made this man strong--this man who is known to all of you. It is faith in Jesus that has given this man his complete health here today, in front of all of you." Acts 3:16, The Voice

Faith in Jesus; something we thought we had, but we never really challenged it. Certainly, we had faith in Jesus to keep sending the right job or cheaper bills. What we actually did was have faith in the substitute, and when it would fail, we were always crushed. Through this journey, He challenged us to have real faith in Him so that we could see an authentic miracle happen. 

Another new job, cutting our bills even more, or moving to a cheaper home yet again is no longer a good enough answer. We could no longer wait for another handout while sitting on our mats. 

We needed healing and we needed Jesus to do it, and in His great providence, He has chosen to lead us on a path that has given us just that. 

Marriage on a Budget: How We Turned Our Challenges Into a GREAT Dating Life

We have a ton of fun together, but it is definitely something we had to learn to do. When you start dating in high school and get married and have babies in college, you learn to live on a budget. Unfortunately, financial struggle was something we dealt with for many, many years so we had only two choices:

1. Wallow in self-pity and never enjoy life

or

2. Get creative with how to entertain ourselves within a very tight budget.

To be honest, we did a bit of both.

Option one only led to a whole bunch of heartache and played its own part in our divorce and option two opened the doors to what we are doing today.

With almost thirty years of relationship experience under our belts (yes, we were babies when we started dating), we want nothing more than to share some of the great things we have learned over the years with others. Our hope is that we can inspire those around us to take on their marriage from a proactive stance and avoid much of the drama we dealt with.

This little project of changing our approach to great dates has become a passion of ours over the years. It met our relationship needs by giving us ways to spend time together outside of the house but also takes away the financial pressure that maintaining a dating life sometimes puts on a marriage.

So, without further ado, we present our tips to great dates on a budget (the Married Twice & Living Life version)...

Tip 1: Keep it simple.

Oh my goodness, how much stress we put on ourselves when we overcomplicate what should never be overcomplicated. Dating in marriage is just about staying connected and taking care of each other. I (Kara) am the world's worst as setting super duper high expectations and then letting my little heart be smashed to pieces when everything doesn't fall into place. That is just no fun for anyone and completely goes against the entire point of going on dates.

Look for something to do that can be a "one stop shop" and will give you ample time to spend together.

In our world, this looks like places that will allow us entry for a minimal amount and let us stay for hours.

This is part of the how and why we took up hiking! We got a chance to explore and get a workout in on the cheap. Look for local parks and lakes, fill your backpack with some water and snacks and go explore! 

Tip 2: Get creative and be adventurous.

Think outside of the box. We often limit ourselves to only going places or doing things we have done before or those things we think we like. Being willing to try something or someplace new gives you a shared first-time experience and you just may discover something new about yourselves as individuals and as a couple.

On one of our Saturday morning walks, we stumbled across a local farmers market and fell in love! We discovered the fun in exploring the various booths and meeting the people who are so passionate about their food and craft. Now we have added this to our list of fun things to do and seek out different markets to visit. Yes, it can be expensive if you go without a plan, so we don't. We discuss what we are in search of, if anything at all, ahead of time and just go to sightsee and people-watch if need be.

Tip 3: Be flexible.

We don't both LOVE all of our dates. But, we love being together and we enjoy doing something that makes our partner happy. I'm not a fan of golf, but I will happily drive the cart and let my guy do something he loves.

And on the other side of the spectrum is my love for museums and botanical gardens. Most local museums have free admission (aside from their special attractions) so as long as you are willing to open your heart and mind to activities that challenge the mind, you are golden for a cheap date! Art museums were not always J's favorite until he realized they were an inexpensive way to make me happy and with time, he grew to love them as well.

Tip 4: Have a backup plan.

Plan A does not always work out, so it's great to keep an idea in your hip pocket to pull out just in case it is necessary. Many of our dates include outdoor activities and sometimes we have to bend to the whims of the weather. That usually means we take it indoors.

As a result, we have taken our penchant for coffee and have turned finding amazing coffee houses into a hobby. They work great as an indoor option and for the price of a cup we can go in and visit for as long as we like. Often they are THE prime place we like to go for our "planning" dates. We find a great spot, spread our laptops, planners, and notebooks out and get to work. Recently our coffee shop game got a shot of inspiration as we watched a couple enjoy themselves with a deck of cards. You can bet we'll be taking a round of Spite and Malice to one of our favorite spots soon!

Here's the deal, one of your best friends as a couple on a budget will be the internet! We google everything, make sure to keep an eye on Groupon for great deals, follow our local classical music radio station that keeps us up to date on area events, follow local city pages on Facebook for free city events and always, always, always keep open hearts and open minds to new ideas.

While we are no longer the same two people we used to be, we still purpose to find ways to date on a budget not because we need to, but because we want to.

We intentionally challenge each other each month to plan at least one date based around these parameters because we have found the beauty in simplicity. There is something magical that happens when we make our dates about us and not about what we are spending to make it happen. It opens a door to creativity and reminds us it is about our time together, not outdoing each other.

Whatever you do, just make sure you make dating a priority. Be proactive and intentional about your marriage no matter what your financial circumstances are. When you purpose to take care of your marriage, God will always show up and bless your efforts, you can count on it. 

When Vacation Imitates LIFE.

I love us. I really, really do.

I love who God has made us as individuals and as a couple. We are total opposites who balance each other perfectly and yet, somehow, we are sometimes so in sync we often say the exact same thing at the exact same time. 

It's really kind of cool and a little weird. 

This is probably partially attributable to our years of marriage, but even more so it may have something to do with our "couple personality", something that has been carefully crafted and curated over the past twenty years by the hands of an awesome God. 

And..it was something I never truly realized, or even really appreciated until just last week. 

Last week; the week we took a trip of a lifetime. 

There were soooooo many expectations wrapped up into this trip; this thing that had become its own living being. So when we received the call just a mere eight hours in from our kids that they lost power at home, the first cloud appeared in my sky full of rainbows and unicorns. 

Because J is who he is, I was not allowed to panic or make the rash decision to turn around and go home to save the day. Instead, we stayed in close contact with the boys and the electric company, (THANK YOU MODERN TECHNOLOGY), a backup plan was concocted and by nine pm the power returned and all was well.

And I, well, we spent the night sitting on the back porch of our cabin watching the sunset over THIS. 

And all was even better with the world than I could have hoped for.

The next morning that same view looked a bit more like this.  

The clouds with a bit of golden-pink morning sun coming through over the canyon matched the beauty and solemnity of the message we received that J's sweet grandmother had passed. 

In that breathtaking setting, we had the opportunity to sit, reflect, and pray for a bit before we packed up and headed out to Colorado. The word bittersweet had never described anything so perfectly before.

The drive on Monday was pretty uneventful aside from the awe-inspiring views and an hour excursion to Royal Gorge.

AMAZING, by the way.

But we were greeted with yet another surprise before we would make it to our final destination. 

In retrospect, I wonder if we should have taken the awesome sounds of thunder rolling through the mountain tops as more of a warning than just novelty while we ate our lunch outside that afternoon.

Hmmm...

Anyway, have you ever driven into a cloud? 

Not under one, but legitimately into one?

This scene eerily formed before us the further we drove up into the mountains and this backcountry novice had never seen mountain peaks enveloped in clouds at eye level before. 

How incredible!

That was until we continued up the road ahead where suddenly the clouds met the ground in front of us and we started to hear the incessant pinging of hail.

Within a matter of seconds, black gave way to gray and white surrounding us on all sides. 

No, it's NOT snow. It's hail. A whole lot of it.

Terror took over as we continued to climb the mountain with no place to pull over for miles and our car took the beating of a lifetime. Both of us took to praying fervently, begging God to keep us safe and keep our windows intact. 

Both prayers were answered and we were finally able to breathe a sigh of relief when the hail let up. 

Eventually, the rain subsided, clouds parted and that part of Colorado looked as if it had received a fresh summertime snow.

The remaining hour and a half drive was filled with gratitude that we had come through virtually unscathed (our poor car, not so much), excitement that we were nearing our destination, and quite honestly, growing concerns within my own heart as to whether or not we had made a good decision by following through with our trip.

By the time we reached our hotel room, the adrenaline had worn off, exhaustion set in, and my mind was reeling with doubt.

But God. 

I entered into a text exchange with a friend, shared the struggles of the past twenty-four hours and asked her to pray for peace and clarity. 

Just a short while later, we were unpacked and heading out to dinner...

and greeted with this:

You may believe this is coincidence, but for me, it was a clear sign that God was listening and that we were on the right track. The rest of our trip would be peaceful and all would be well.

And it was.

The next morning, coffee with this view was unbeatable and was the perfect setting to spend some time reflecting and asking God a few questions.

And I as I wondered why in the world the start of our trip had been anything but easy, He quickly reminded me of this truth:

This experience was a true reflection of our marriage. 

Jason and I have a wonderful marriage but it has never been easy. We have faced obstacle after obstacle; some due to our own ignorance and/or poor decisions and some due to just life. 

It wasn't until someone recently pointed it out to us that we even gave our history any real consideration.

We've just done life and sometimes its been hard and sometimes its been amazing, and sometimes...its been both at the same exact time!

What immediately came to mind when that revelation dawned upon me is that together God has created us as a team that does not back down or gives up when something out of the ordinary occurs.

We may have to re-route, we may have to slow down a bit, we may have to adjust plans, but we never stop growing, we never stop thinking forward. 

It was our "life" training that prepared us for this trip, not all of the hikes and planning and purchasing of equipment and gear. 

It was overcoming a divorce and learning how to forgive. It was living through the loss of Jason's sister and making the conscious decision to really LIVE our lives despite the pain and fallout that occurred.  It was learning how to trust and rest when were threatened with losing our home and cars just a couple of years ago. 

We have had a lifetime of marriage to prepare for a series of events that could have given us pause or reason to not move ahead with our very first, real trip together. 

And so I sit here and confidently type out these words knowing that each part of our trip, whether it was wonderful or awful, was a gift. 

We've had twenty-one years of training to teach us that everything in life can reveal something wonderful if we let it. It can show us a new truth, it can highlight the good if we choose to look for it, it can change us in a way that makes us better. 

Your response to life's surprises, whether good or bad, is totally up to you. 

We chose to move forward, we chose to push through, and true to form, God was right there with arms open wide reminding us that He was always there comforting us, protecting us, and cheering us on. 

We have spent the past two years praying for a life of adventure and we have received exactly what we asked for.

"And when you ask God for a life of adventure, you quickly realize you have to learn how to navigate the hard and celebrate the awesome all in the same breath sometimes." -kd

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

This picture is just for attention and hopefully, it has done its job.

(Insert attention grabbing phrase here).

But for real, my heart is that you hear our hearts tonight, and our hearts are that you are pointed to His heart for you.

Sometimes it's all J & I know to do; call on the name of Jesus. 

My heart aches for those who are held captive to their pain, who are so blinded by the sting of hurt and fear they cannot see past the hand in front of them. 

J and I know what that's like and, quite honestly, that is why we are here. 

We want to help, we want to share real hope. 

I know in this world of social media and progressivity there is a lot of talk about being relevant and what that means. In Christendom that is sometimes code for "don't talk about Jesus too much, we don't want to turn people off". 

As if with all of our injenuitive marketing skills and ploys we will draw people into the church without using the "J" word and then we can say it as much as we want when they show up. 

But talking about Jesus and his great love for us only within the four walls of a church building doesn't share hope to hurting who may never know how much He wants to help them. 

If you held the cure to cancer in your hands, would you keep it to yourself?

If you could speak life into this world by just telling others about what Jesus has done for you, wouldn't you just do it?

Sometimes Life has to be shared from the rooftops instead of being contained in a church building, and sometimes rooftops look a whole lot like Instagram and Facebook. 

So, what if I told you that my husband and I have both seriously contemplated suicide at one point in our lives and Jesus saved us from death? 

Would that make a difference?

What if I told you that we have been within days of being homeless and because He placed us on the heart of someone who did not know what we were facing we were able to keep our home? 

Would that get your attention?

How about the time that we had almost no food in our refrigerator and two boys to feed and someone showed up to our home with two weeks worth of groceries? 

How about that, does that matter?

Or how about that time when we were divorced and offenses had been laid that the world tells you not to forgive and we are now halfway into our 17th year of remarriage? 

Oh...I know you've heard that one before.

You see, this is just the highlight reel. These are the over the top, real-life examples of the amazing things we have overcome at the mercy and grace of His hand in our lives. 

There is also a 40 plus year long daily running list of the "small things" he's intervened in. 

No big deal, right? 

I know what you're thinking, "That's great for you. He hasn't done that for me."

We've been there too. 

So caught up in the pain of the moment, so sure He would not show up on our behalf that we frantically scrambled and tried to fix our situation over and over and over again wrapped up in pain that we were sure would never end.

A funny thing happens when you get caught in that pattern of trying to do it all on your own, you don't leave room for Him to move on your behalf or give yourself space to recognize His presence.

And this Jesus that the world so desperately tries to suppress, the one that wants to save you from yourself, will continuously send people across your path, will relentlessly pursue you even up until death, but will never force himself upon you. 

You're waiting for help, busy accusing Him of ignoring you, and all the while repeating behavior patterns that keep you locked into that place of pain and fear. 

And He's waiting for you to just relax and let him help.

I can recall a conversation I had with a gentleman several years ago. This young man was well educated and well respected in his field of work and while he held almost no respect for many around him, he had a modicum of it for me. During a particularly intense conversation about faith, he asked me the following question:

"How can someone as intelligent and educated as yourself seriously believe in this stuff?"

And at the ripe old age of 22, I looked at him and responded with what I know had to be a God inspired answer:

 "It wouldn't be called faith if I could see or feel it. I would rather live my whole life believing there is hope and be wrong when I die than live hopeless."

This was before we had endured some of our worst years. 

This was before we hit the items listed earlier in this article. 

This was before I really learned what it was like to call on the name of Jesus and watch him work on my behalf. 

If I am being fully transparent, there are still days, though they are less frequent, where J and I forget that our lives are held in the hands of a generous and loving Savior. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves to settle our souls and call on him for help, but when we do it pays off. 

I don't know what you are facing, but I can tell you this: If you are reading this, you are just on the other side of the screen from two people who can tell you story after story of God's goodness and faithfulness. 

Our hearts are that if we remind you enough, you will call on the name of Jesus and experience the love and hope we have been privy to ourselves. 

"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth."

Psalm 145:18

Errand Days

I call this "Evidence of Thursday Errands". 

It's not actual art, but it's kind of like art to us. 

Our errand days often lay the foundation for inspiration in our marriage and provide opportunities for us to paint this life that we love so much.

Thursdays are in essence, J's Saturdays. Being his first day off after his 4 day work week, they are also our currently designated errand day. 

He schedules haircuts, we get groceries, get the oil changed, set appointments, and anything else we can think of on Thursdays.

And, we do everything in our power to do them all together. 

Why?

Well, the short version of it is in our early days of marriage running errands took the place of actual dates. Not being able to afford nights out on the town taught us how to be creative about spending time together.

And as the years have passed this habit has kept; partly out of necessity and partly because we have noticed how this ritual seems to benefit our relationship.

Over the years, we have learned that I am big picture and he is all about details. Never is this more evident than on errand day. I have the general idea and the creative input needed for making our home function, say for meal planning...

And he makes sure we don't leave the store and leave behind crucial ingredients.

Yes, this happens a lot when I go to the store on my own, even with a list. 

That's the necessity part.

But the benefit part... Well, that's where magic happens.

This week was a perfect example. 

After my guy's visit to the barber, we decided we needed to grab a bite to eat. What was supposed to be a quick meal turned into an hour-long discussion. Jason noticed something was off about my attitude and started probing. We were able to address some creative struggles I have been facing and come up with a plan that will help. 

We try really hard to schedule errands on days that allow for flexibility to be built into our schedule. This takes the desire to rush out of play and allows for quality time such as this to occur.

After our chat, we tackled the rest of the items on our list...together. 

As small as it may seem, having the opportunity to take on a task like groceries side by side gives us the chance to talk, hang out and make decisions with each other's input. 

Over the years we have found that tackling the small things together on a regular basis is great training for overcoming the big things together as well. 

All that time we have put into negotiating over what kind of toilet paper to buy and making sure we have everything we need for the week ahead has actually factored in to how we maneuver more important topics and how we consider each other's input on matters that well, matter. 

So here we are almost 22 years into marriage and still rearranging our schedule every week to make sure we can get groceries together. 

And here we are 22 years later and the best of friends who look forward to our time together, even if it is just spent doing the mundane. 

If you are careful not to disregard it, you may find the mundane can often be the breeding ground for the things that really matter in life. 

It's Not All About Me.

This was a dream realized last week, but it wasn't mine.

My guy has talked, and talked, and talked about going to the Fort Worth Invitational at the Colonial for what seems like FOR-EV-ER, or at least for the last 25 years. 

This past month, when HE was in charge of picking our dates for the month, guess what our "big" date was?

You guessed correctly, walking for hours and hours on end in the sweltering 100 degree Texas heat with our clothes sticking to us from being drenched with sweat.

I'm sorry, I meant enjoying a beautiful day walking the historical grounds of the Colonial Country Club with the love of my life.

I do have to concede that it was a truly beautiful course. 

Despite my indifference to the game, our day began with these smiles.

Part of doing life with this guy is understanding and accepting that he adores all things golf. 

And, after 26 years together, all I can say is that I think the courses are pretty (most of them anyway) and the quiet nature of the game itself soothes the introverted, introspective part of me. 

He can tell me about all of the players and nuances of the game and I can recognize maybe one of his favorites and tell you what the word "par" means. 

That's about it.

We followed this orange shirt around most of the day. 

It's Jordan Speith, right? 

Just kidding. I pay better attention than that. 

He spent his day living out one of his bucket list items.

And I spent much of the day like this.

No, I'm not pouting. That's me with a look of confusion. 

He tries really hard to explain things to me that my mind refuses to process. 

Well, why did I do it? Why did I agree to spend my date day in the heat, kind of addled, and wandering around in silence?

The simple answer: Because I love him. 

J and I haven't always gotten this marriage thing down right, but something we did learn many years ago is that it isn't always about what we as individuals want or like. 

Having an intentional relationship often means seeking ways to spend time together that nourish the soul of the other. 

After 26 years, we have found things to do together that we both love, but there are things we both enjoy that the other just isn't a huge fan of. 

Yes, we could choose to send the other off to enjoy their favorite activity on their own or with their friends (which we sometimes do).

However, we have learned that something special happens when one of us chooses to take an interest in the things that matter to our partner. When we find a way to share our interests, we find the other feels seen, loved, and understood for who they are.

In our world this means I sit on the couch and write as he watches golf, I drive the cart and take pictures as he plays, and I walk around in the heat for hours as he marvels in watching his favorites from twenty feet away.

And he wanders art museums, goes to musicals, and makes a concerted effort to stay awake through my eight millionth viewing of Under the Tuscan Sun. 

Honestly, when we began this practice, it was a little tough. We had already gone through our divorce and remarriage though, and decided that we would do whatever it takes to take care of and speak love to each other.

Fortunately, our experience taught us the necessity of sacrificing our own desires for the better of our spouse and trusting that if we lean on God, and love and respect our spouse the way we want to be loved and respected, then it will all work out in the wash. 

If I am consistently putting his needs first and he is consistently putting mine first, we always win. 

Yes, this is a difficult concept to live out. 

Yes, it requires vulnerability and faith.

Yes, it works. 

AND, one of the benefits is that we find over time a middle ground is uncovered and we discover there are aspects of the interests of the other that meet our own needs.

No, not a huge fan of the game of golf. Yes, I adore the outdoors, the quiet, and the joy it gives my husband. 

This approach has served us well:

• We learn more about each other by being intentional in sharing in each other's interests. 

• Our relationship is strengthened because there is just something that fills your soul when you understand your partner is doing something just because they love you and want to spend time with you. 

• And the biggest bonus, we find that with each passing day, we enjoy each other's company more and more. There are no worries or concerns here about what it will be like when our kids are grown and gone. Instead, we are always dreaming of all of the things we want to do as we grow old together. 

Because we have spent the last couple of decades practicing the art of serving each other, I was able to have the same smile on my face at the end of our golf day together as I did when we started.

He was smiling because he lived out a dream and got to share it with his favorite person.

I was smiling because I had a front row seat to his enthusiasm and knew some good Mexican food was on the horizon.

(He thanked me repeatedly for joining him that day and asked me to choose what I wanted for dinner because I was such a trooper. That's what love does.)

So, ask me again how I can survive a full day of something is that is just not my jam...

It's not all about me and I'm really okay with that.